Ok, so keeping up with my normal intellectual (hah don't make me laugh) articles this one which I've entitled "Farting Is An Art In Public" is basically true for us males. I can't speak for you females, but for us men we go to very weird and wonderful lengths in the hope of trying to disguise our farts. Read on to see what I mean. Most of these I've done myself so I speak from experience. I can only say that (A) if "YOU" say that "YOU'VE" never farted in public then your telling porkies, and (B) if "YOU" say that "YOU'VE" never tried or had to disguise, then again, you're telling porkies. So read on folks......
So, we're in the doctor's one day. Try to picture the scene. Your in the waiting room and you've maybe had a curry the night before, or some fruit, or in our beloved Dungeon Masters case a few pints of the amber nectar. Admit it, your sitting there waiting for your name to be called and your 100% bored out of your brains. You pick up one of the few magazines to read which just happens to be about golf! Whilst scanning the dog-eared scrumpled-up pages you get a severe twinge in your guts. "God, don't say I want a crap, bloody hell" (thinking to yourself). "Or do I want to fart" (which in this case is even a worse predicament than wanting a crap).
You sit their trying to look totally engrossed in your mag when this niggle in the guts gets worse, and you know that any minute it could quite possibly erupt into a stinker of a fart. You dare not get up with the intention of going to the little boys room to release the bowel moving pressure from your rear-end because as most of us know the sudden strain on our muscles of getting into the standing position often releases this embarrassing sound and smell without any control at all from ourselves. So what do we do?
Well I personally think that farting in public is a skill, and might even be included in the next Olympic games. So I personally would make sure that I'm sitting in a chair with nobody directly to either my left or my right, then with intense mental discipline and control over my bowel and arse muscles while at the same time still looking as though the book I'm reading is of any sort of interest I'd carefully squeeze the cheeks of my bum together and hopefully try to restrict the speed of the noise from coming out of my rear-end down to a bare minimum.
My endeavour would hopefully let me control the rates of miles-per-second the sound would leave my bum, and at the same second the sound left my body I would cough in the hope of totalling disguising the sound. Most of the time the above would work. The only draw-back to this situation is the odour. However, this could be lost or rather put down to another source of which is in the same room as you. Hopefully there might be a very small child or a baby in the room, so if like me your highly skilled at this type of situation you'll try to make sure that the infant is in a close proximity to yourself and 9 times out of 10 the infant will be suspected. As they say, drastic measures call for drastic actions.
But having done all the above to hopefully disguise my bowel releasing sounds and hopefully to cover the evil smelling odour I have on the odd occasion found a need to fart, but cough at the same time which also part disguises the sound but still nevertheless still let's people hear a little sound. Now this latter skill is ideal in any area where very few of us talk to the others in the same room, be for whatever reason, nerves, shyness, or just plain be bloody ignorance, most of us in those situations tend to talk to the person who goes with us be it our partners or a son/daughter, or just a friend.
I think that a classic example of performing this art in public and not even getting a minor bit of blame for it is when your in a supermarket, ok lads, if you can honestly say that you've never done all or part of this next trick then your a bloody liar.
Your in a supermarket, be it Tesco's, Safeway or whichever one, haha, yes. Safeway is a good one, the name says it all., OK, so your in the supermarket your wandering around buying this and that, then the urge to release wind comes into being, "Shit" you think, all these people will smell me when I fart. Wrong! They shouldn't be able to hear you what with all the hussle and bussle that goes on in those places and smelling you. Huh! That's no problem, again, if your skilled enough to control your farting you can walk around the various sections on the supermarket looking for the "nigh-on" perfect place to fart and not get blamed for it. OK someone else might, but no siree, not moi.
Again, I look for people with either a young child or a baby, or at the other end of my "Skill Farting" scale, I look for an old couple or old person on his/her own, whichever the case maybe. Here's what I do. I find my unknown prey. I stand somewhere in their vicinity then cough and fart at the same time and move to another area, preferably to the next isle. Then when other people go into the isle where I've just let rip and hopefully my unsuspecting victim/victims are still shopping I go back to that same isle and look as though I'm shopping. The smell then hits the new customers. They look at me or I look at them and we both look at the third party with a bit of disgust, hence I'm off the hook and having a little inner laugh to myself.
A bus or a train is another good place of practising and exercising this skill. On a bus, well the old double decker type are by far the best, you go upstairs, sit down, that's providing that there are a few people up there. What's the bloody use of farting to an empty audience? Anyway, you sit there, you carefully let rip when, if possible, your near to your stop then you let rip and stand up to go downstairs, leaving your fowl smell for all to saviour. In a train is very much the same skill, you sit in one carriage, carefully fart then casually move to another carriage.
The possibilities for fun are pretty limitless, and really you can't label this article as "Another one of Dr. Jekyll's sicko's" because whatever name, label or tag we put on it we all "Fart", even the Queen and all the royal family farts, so, I've always wondered about this? If the Queen wants to or has to fart, does she, as a lady of her breeding say pardon before or after the act, or does she blame the corgis, or as I might think, she might blame Philip. I would, after all folks he's a bit of an all-round shit-house at the best of times.
I suppose any member of the Royal family will be OK in this department, being so much in public they could quite easily let us "Commoners" face the disgrace. If I were in their position I would fart quietly then blame whoever's company I'm in, after all, who would ever suspect or even blame "Our Queen". So, my final words to you all is this as they say. Where 'ere you be let the wind blow free" or for us poor folk, if you want to or have to fart just do it, but try to do it quietly and then let someone else get the blame. Libraries and museums are also great places to fart in, Libraries are good because 9 times out of 10 there's always a mixed age group of people who sit a read the newspapers and books in the actual library. So stand in a close proximity to this group and quietly fart, then move to another section where you can watch people's faces at this pong wafting pass their noses, and the expressions they make at others sitting by them, it's quite funny.
Museum's are also a good place to fart, either some of the "Hello Darling" or "Hello Luvvy" types of people get blamed for the smell, or better still artifacts themselves are sometimes put down to the cause of the smell.
The list of (A) places to fart in and not get blamed for the smell is pretty big I reckon, and also, the list of (B) unsuspecting people who get blamed themselves for "YOUR" odour is I reckon is just as big.
I love to fart in the bath, the "bubbling" sound it makes when you first fart has me in stitches, the only downfall to that is the fowl smell. I reckon that farting through water enhances the stink by about a factor of 30.
So have fun farting, and keep your wits about you if you don't want to get blamed. I'm doing my farting belt grading tomorrow, I'm hoping to move up to my brown belt...........byeeeeee.